Unsure but moving on

It's odd how being unsure about one thing in your life can affect the entirety of who you are.

I don't know what I want to be when I grow up or what I want to do, but honestly.. I'm not too concerned. I get concerned at times when my friends at work harass me to find a steady, full-time job, but I know they really just want me to find one in Waco. They really don't think I'm leaving.. sometimes I can imagine not leaving,but deep down I know I am. In exactly 2 months. Here's the crazy part. I have no idea where I'm going or what I'm doing, but I'm not scared and that is not the part of my life that is confusing me.

No the part that is confusing me.. that part has me all twisted up. That part has led me to make one too many poor choices in the past few months. But it's also led me to discover some really amazing people, one in particular, and really just left me more confused than ever.

I have just reached a point in my life where everything that I ever wished for or dreamed of, was coming true - or so I thought. When it all came crashing down I was like a child caught in a crumbling building, not knowing why the earth was shaking. I walked away shaken, but only slightly cut and bruised. The scars are still there, but only I can see them. For awhile I blamed this experience as my reason for acting out. My reason for being careless for what I had been holding dear - my belief. My belief was still there, I couldn't get rid of it, but I was scared of it so I pushed it as far away as I could. I kept pushing and soon it was far away. Soon I couldn't blame proceeding events on the first incident, no, I needed new excuses. But I couldn't think of any and I still can't. Just the other weekend a friend was getting out of her car, trying to explain my actions to others, but as I overheard her I knew she didn't know me. I may not know or understand myself, but I know what is not.. that was not.. now just to figure out what is... And to figure out why what I do matters so much to others. Am I supposed to be that perfect? When the situation is reversed, it's not a big deal for them, but put me in the limelight and suddenly I'm being judged from every angle. I'm not perfect and I wish to make my choices or mistakes, if they turn out to be such, myself.

So continue to assume that you know me. Continue to assume that you understand this blog. But I can assure you that you don't on either account. I barely know myself..and you'll probably now assume something worse than the truth from my lousy metaphors.

Here I am. Unsure and unaware of where to go from here. Should I cling back to my old beliefs, should they be modified, should they be trashed and recreated? What do I believe in now?

I'm off to find answers.
I do know this though:

Love God, Love People. Ultimately it will make you happy.