Living in shades of grey...

Update - no job prospects, no location prospects, no direction.
Main reason - no idea what I want to do or where I want to live.
Upside - I have a new kitten. Mohawk or Mo. He's learning to be sweet and I'm not allergic to him.

The rest.. well maybe Colbie can explain that for me...

"Waited all my life for this day to come
I feel like letting go, life goes on
Wasting no more time
So much to be done
Everything works out
So they say
Over my shoulder, it's tough getting older
Yeah, yeah.......

(Chorus)
Seems like nothing is black and white anymore
Shades of grey and I feel a weight over my shoulder
It's tough getting older
I always thought that I knew where I'd want to go
Now I'm here and I find that I'm still getting colder
It's kinda tough getting older

Here before my eyes, many roads ahead
Time for me to choose one way now
If I take a chance
What lies down the road
Feeling so confused, turned round
On and on, on and on
yeah yeah....."

(abridged)

Unsure but moving on

It's odd how being unsure about one thing in your life can affect the entirety of who you are.

I don't know what I want to be when I grow up or what I want to do, but honestly.. I'm not too concerned. I get concerned at times when my friends at work harass me to find a steady, full-time job, but I know they really just want me to find one in Waco. They really don't think I'm leaving.. sometimes I can imagine not leaving,but deep down I know I am. In exactly 2 months. Here's the crazy part. I have no idea where I'm going or what I'm doing, but I'm not scared and that is not the part of my life that is confusing me.

No the part that is confusing me.. that part has me all twisted up. That part has led me to make one too many poor choices in the past few months. But it's also led me to discover some really amazing people, one in particular, and really just left me more confused than ever.

I have just reached a point in my life where everything that I ever wished for or dreamed of, was coming true - or so I thought. When it all came crashing down I was like a child caught in a crumbling building, not knowing why the earth was shaking. I walked away shaken, but only slightly cut and bruised. The scars are still there, but only I can see them. For awhile I blamed this experience as my reason for acting out. My reason for being careless for what I had been holding dear - my belief. My belief was still there, I couldn't get rid of it, but I was scared of it so I pushed it as far away as I could. I kept pushing and soon it was far away. Soon I couldn't blame proceeding events on the first incident, no, I needed new excuses. But I couldn't think of any and I still can't. Just the other weekend a friend was getting out of her car, trying to explain my actions to others, but as I overheard her I knew she didn't know me. I may not know or understand myself, but I know what is not.. that was not.. now just to figure out what is... And to figure out why what I do matters so much to others. Am I supposed to be that perfect? When the situation is reversed, it's not a big deal for them, but put me in the limelight and suddenly I'm being judged from every angle. I'm not perfect and I wish to make my choices or mistakes, if they turn out to be such, myself.

So continue to assume that you know me. Continue to assume that you understand this blog. But I can assure you that you don't on either account. I barely know myself..and you'll probably now assume something worse than the truth from my lousy metaphors.

Here I am. Unsure and unaware of where to go from here. Should I cling back to my old beliefs, should they be modified, should they be trashed and recreated? What do I believe in now?

I'm off to find answers.
I do know this though:

Love God, Love People. Ultimately it will make you happy.

Trying to slow down.. and figure out life.

Sometimes, new isn't always best or good.

I'm starting to figure that out.

I've always embraced the new. But then again, I've been running towards it most of my life. I have moments where I stop and embrace the present, but usually I'm looking forward to the future, to what's next.

Let's take graduation. I was so excited to be done. I hated half of my classes and I just wanted to never study again. But I'm through and I still have a mile-long list of things I have to do that never seems to get done. And while I was ready to move on to the next chapter in my life, I barely realized or accepted the fact that it probably wouldn't include most of my friends. I forgot about the fact that my summer roommate moving in meant my little sister was moving out. I didn't take into account how far away some states are or how unlikely it is that I'll actually make that roadtrip to see that person, even if I really want to.

So yeah, my future holds new faces, new places and lots of promise.. But I'm starting to wonder if I'll run right through it as well.

How do you slow down when you're so used to running? Can you really switch to a marathon or relay from a 100 meter dash?

The other scary part.. When I have slowed down, it came with heartache in some form or fashion. I don't want heartache. And while some new things on the horizon are interesting and tempting.. They're also scary.

How do you know you're making the right choice? What if you choose one thing and in the process miss something better? I know you just have to take a chance sometimes, but that is sometimes.. what about the other times? How do you know when to take a chance and when not to?

So life goes on. Perhaps at a slower pace. I don't want to miss anything, I want to enjoy the friendships and the life I currently have, but I don't want to go at such a speed that everything becomes a blur in the end.

I think I'll take up jogging. ;)