I want to draw you a floorplan of my head and my heart

Sometimes I wonder if I am too open with who I am, how I feel and what I think...I have always had this wish to be mysterious, but it just isn't me. Looking beyond that; should I guard who I am? Should I make sure you are worthy to know who I am? But maybe I'm not as open as I feel I am or maybe you're just not listening, because you there are times when you make comments that make me wonder if you know me at all.

I do have secrets. Things that no one else knows, but most of them are not too interesting. At times I think about documenting them here- both as an attempt to understand myself better and to let you know more. But whenever I begin, I rarely finish. My words can't express somethings and others beg to not be expressed. I'm learning some secrets are better left untold and others are discovered when you least expect it by someone who knows your depths.

It's interesting to think how many layers of ourself that we have. Layers that are presented all as one piece to certain people, or individually to others. Layers that can become secrets... Layers that ultimately define you, whether you like it or not. I am not just a girl, I am more than that. I am a pastors daughter, a Christian, a writer, a lover, a friend, a sister, a cousin, a student, a photographer... My layers define me and define my likes/dislikes. But do you know all of them? Probably not. I doubt if anyone besides God knows all of them. Sometimes I wonder if I know all of them; I do know there are more to come.

Perhaps I am more mysterious than I give myself credit..

Perhaps I should finish reading for psychology...

Love.. As Defined by "Psychology in Context"

Passionate Love:
An intense feeling that involves sexual attraction, a desire for mutual love and physical closeness, arousal, and a fear that the relationship will end.

Companionate Love:
A type of love marked by very close friendship, mutual caring, liking respect, and attraction. (intimacy+commitment)

Triangular Model of Love:
The theory that love has three dimensions: passion (including sexual desire), intimacy (closeness), and commitement.

Romantic Love:
Passion + Intimacy

Liking:
Intimacy Alone

Empty Love:
Commitment Alone

Fatuous Love:
Passion + commitment

Infatuation:
Passion Alone

Consummate Love:
Passion + Intimacy + Commitment

Growing Love:
Feeling understood by your partner; feeling “validated,” that is, feeling that your emotions and point of view are respected; and feeling that the other person cares for you.

It was good in the beginning...

Over the past few days this complex thing called "love" keeps appearing in conversations with unrelated, and usually random, people. I think everyone has a grasp of friendship love, sibling love, and such, but when it comes down to romantic love.. well.. where to begin..

I guess it's more complicated because everyone in my generation has their own ideal of how they will fall in love, or possibly when or with whom, but you kind of think you know what it will be like. All of our ideals, however, are dramatically influenced by the media and movies. I have admitted it before and I'll admit it again, I want the fairy-tale movie love story, but what I question is if it exists and if so, on what level.

It's just so strange.. I imagine love as this abstract presence that everyone on Earth is trying to grasp, but it floats just out of reach, except for the select few have conquered it and maintained a fast grasp. Is it true that some think they have grasped it, or think they've fallen in love, but they haven't really? But if they have, can you fall in love multiple times? And if you can, does that discount the idea of a soul mate?

One of my friends said that she was once told that she shouldn't look for someone she can live with, but someone she can't live without. Yet, as she has grown older she has flipped that view and truly believes she should find someone she can live with. But I would say find someone you don't want to live without, but also someone you can live with.. Well that just gets complicated again.

Overall, the general consensus has been that love typically appears when you least expect it.
Love itself scares me. Too many people abuse the use of word they say "I love you" as simply as they say "hello" and then the question arises as to whether they love you as you should love everyone, or do they mean "I am in love with you." Now we approach the two phrases that mean something completely different. I myself have only told two people in the past that I loved them, in the sense of being in love. At the time of each I truly believed it; now, looking back, I know for certain I wasn't in love with the first, and the second.. time still needs to answer that one.

While the idea and this concept of love may forever confuse me, and confront me as more of my friends are married off, I think I will just continue to pray that one day it will all be clear and make sense, without explanation. I just see it as something I will "just know."

Well, these are my rambling thoughts and here is a proverb that is my reasoning for being ever so cautious with serious relationships and silly boys..

"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."
Prov. 4:23

Love God, Love people.