Slightly incoherent ramblings..

As soon as I found out I was moving to the City I immediately decided to set up a blog to keep track of my activities and keep in touch with family and friends. Oddly enough, I already had two blogs.. first xanga, which I gave up for myspace, which I gave up for this.. I was thinking about this as I read my sister's blog on myspace, because I realized that the xanga was a simple recollection of my days events, while myspace was turning into a deeper spiritual reflection area, but I'm not sure what I'm doing here. The blogosphere is an interesting place. Myspace has protections so I can keep all prying eyes out; here I could have the same, but I invite all to my page. But because everyone can view my page, it makes me hesitant to talk about my beliefs. Why? Probably because most of my ponderings are on my failures at being a Christian, not at how great of a Christian I am. But can anyone be a "great Christian" since that means they are "exceptionally Christ-like"? Probably not.

So.. I give in, here are my ponderings.

Currently, I am 1600 miles from home and yet I am still affected by the actions of some of my friends, none of which have actually been directed towards me. How odd is that? I've never imagined that my poor attitude or behavior would affect people far away. I know it's plausible, but it's just not something I consider, and I'm sure it's nothing they have considered. But here's the hardest part - there's nothing I can do. I wanted to call them out on being poor examples of Christ, but I dont think I have been the best example myself in awhile. I feel like if I tell them they've dissapointed me, then I'll be judging them.. but they have dissapointed me. I may not be the perfect person and I dont expect perfection from them, but I do expect more because I know they are kind, loving people. Anyway, that's a situation I've been praying for all semester.. I sometimes just wish you could force people to be kind, intelligent and considerate ;) But then, where would free will be?

Next weekend is Easter, for all of you who haven't been to church, that is a good Sunday to go.. and I'll be joining you. Yes, the pastor's kid, who grew up in church and who has grown to love church, has only been to church three times in the past three months. I have plenty of excuses, trust me. Like yesterday- my roommate and I wanted to go running and then we were joining the crew for a double birthday celebration. The night before we had stayed up late, so the thought of getting up, running, going to church, then going to lunch was a bit much - worst of all was trying to find somewhere to go. The only recommended churches have been those that are so large it's like going to a free concert -- you may get in, you may get a seat, or you may not. And that's wonderful, churches should be packed to capacity, everyone should be eager to learn more about God. But is that why they are packed, or is it just another tourist attraction? Just thinking about it tires me out. I did find one place, but it's in the middle of the afternoon, which sounds marvelous and would be in Waco.. but by then I'm either in the midst of homework or somewhere in Manhattan, too far from this distant Brooklyn church. So I'm giving up. Sad, I know. I hope to find a church this Sunday that I can go to before heading over to Tavern, but it will probably be just another attraction. We shall see.

In just a few weeks, I'll be back home. I'll go to church every Sunday and everything I need will just be a ten minute drive, at the most, away from me. No more 30 minute subway rides, no more smelly stations, or deranged homeless people. And.. then again.. no more New York.

I can think of a million reasons as to why I'm ready to be back with my family and friends, but when I think hard about it, I can also think of about as many reasons why I would stay in the city. I thought I would come here, get the longing to live in NY out of my system, move back home, finish school and then move on to wherever and whatever. Well.. there's not solution to this strange pull between two very different lives. But that is why I titled this "ramblings."