I realized tonight that there is a hearbreak that I may never get over. Not in this world anyway.

I haven't been to Wichita Falls since March. I keep telling myself that I'll go next month, I'm too busy now or I have to work, or it's too far to drive alone, or I don't have the extra cash for gas..But none of that is true. Here's the truth- I can't bare the thought of going to my grandparents house and my granfather not being there. I love my grandmother, I do.. But I want to see my grandfather sitting on the front porch, or in his chair in the formal living room, or watching tv in the den. I want to wake up to the smells of breakfast and coffee brewing, with him talking to my grandmother and reading the paper. Saying things like "oh Patsy.." I want him to tell me to check my oil before I leave. I want to introduce him to Blake. I want to take him to the French Riviera. I want him to play with my kids one day.

He was the only constant grandfather I had. He loved all of us so much. But my heart breaks when I think of the last day I saw him...He had been sick but was finally home and on the road to recovery. My family was leaving his house, saying our goodbyes and I was rushing my dad out the door. "C'mon let's go, he's fine. No need to worry about wills and such." He just wanted to make sure my grandmother would be taken care of and I wanted to go home. It breaks my heart to think about it. It's not something I will let go of very easily.

So I haven't been back. But I know I need to. I'm missing out on seeing my baby cousin grow up. And I haven't been there for my grandmother, but I dont know how to be. I couldn't even read my sisters blog about him until tonight.. and I cried. I'm still crying. She's right, death does suck.

Hello Again...

It's been too long.
So much has changed... and this summer has flown by. Where should I begin to describe the last four months?

Let's begin with the main reason as to why I haven't blogged... Last September, my trusty laptop died on me. And since I have major issues with understanding how to save money (I'm getting better) I have yet to purchase a replacement. So I was using my roommates computer... until my sweet cat decided to knock my water bottle on to her keyboard, putting it out of commission for an extended period. Without going in to much more detail, I am not in the best position to spend money on a laptop at the moment and so, God in all of his graciousness, blessed me with an awesome grandfather who has bestowed his laptop upon me for an indefinite length of time. So I am blessed and I am back to writing. Hello Again :)

While a laptop is certainly a blessing, this summer has been full of even greater blessings..

With my last post I was deciding on what adventures to take this summer, I was planning trips to see friends but the days ahead of me were empty pages with just a few weddings written in. The first wedding was days following that post: April 18. On that day my sweet friend Allie married her love, Boots, and I met my love, Blake.The pages were no longer blank, they were beginning to fill rapidly.
That's right my friends; my love story has been written this summer and it has been both sweet and amazing.

Boots and Allie concocted this idea of introducing Blake and I at their wedding some months before their day arrived. I believe Blake heard more about me than I heard about him during this time, but probably because he was Boots' roommate and I was off in Dallas. To be honest, I didn't event remember what Blake's name was, just that he was a groomsman and Boots' best-friend. I'll leave our actual meeting for a face-to-face story, but I will say that by the time I got back to my hotel from the reception, I knew I had met someone special. I texted him right away to thank him for a fun evening and hoped that this would not be the last time that I would see him. It wasn't :)

My trip to Nashville came unexpectedly, but it did happen. About two weeks before Memorial Day weekend, I found out that my parents, my little sister and my grandmother were taking a trip to Nashville and I begged a spot in the car. I must say that a drive like that, in a car with four other people, is not fun.. but it was completely worth it. I fell in love with Blake that weekend. I stayed with Boots and Allie and spent five marvelous days with Blake. Since then he has flown in to see me, though after our upcoming vacation, I will be flying up there for my birthday. It's a give and take. It is hard being so far apart, but every night I have phone date waiting for me and a supportive boyfriend to listen to me, or entertain me :) I really and truly am blessed.

I know this isn't all poetry and prose, or perhaps the best writing you've read from me, but basically -- I'm back. And maybe I should have picked an evening to return when my thoughts weren't slightly clouded by benadryl, but then again, who cares :) Ok, I really should call it a night..

I've missed you, I hope you are all enjoying life to the fullest.

Love God,
Love people.

Unicorns are magical.

I feel loved.
It's a great feeling. Being in love may be better, but just being loved...it sustains you. it sustains me.

I'm enjoying an evening alone.. Watching the last show of Life on Mars, eating ice cream, listening to amazing artists like The Weepies, and dreaming. Dreaming of place far, far away.
Like Scotland and LA,
Indiana ;)
and the Greek Isles.
While reminiscing over places like NY,
England and Waco.
Where shall I go this summer, back to NY? Possibly.. nothing is certain.
Maybe Nashville... Maybe I'll become a wanderer and circumvent the world.

How can one person kill your joy and serenity? That I don't understand..

Goodnight all.

Love God
Love people.

Saying goodbye...

This week I am saying goodbye to two amazing men and it is leaving me heartbroken.

Last Friday my great-grandfather died at age 95. His funeral was Monday- it was the beginning of bittersweet reunions. I met cousins I had never met before and I mourned one of the greatest veterinarians ever. But he went to be with our sweet Granny Granny, a ballerina full of grace and beauty, and I know they are happy.

Being with the family early this week was memorable. It was my mother's grandfather from her adoptive father's side (trust me when I say my family is more confusing than that). Her dad is awesome. He is the one whom I have posted about previously, who builds the rockets, gets into a bunch of trouble and meets me for lunch once a week. His best-friend was at the house where we all met up with each other and John had a few stories to tell on my Granpa Dan. Such as the time that John was arrested and thrown in to a Mexican jail (he took full blame when they were caught smuggling stuff into Mexico) and my granpa left him there because college classes were starting back up. He stayed there for two months. But that was only one of many stories that John told on Granpa and Granpa told on John, even before my aunts and uncles joined in with their own stories.

I love stories. But maybe some are better told than written, or at least written on a blog :)

After the funeral, on Monday, we drove back to Dallas. Wednesday morning, as I was getting ready for work, my dad called with the news - his dad, my loving grandfather, had died. Just over a month ago he had congestive heart failure and was in the hospital and then rehab for 41 days, I believe. Last Friday he was able to go home and we had stayed with him and my grandmother. He seemed ok... He was ok... But when he first went in the hospital he had three heartattacks and died for two minutes, before being brought back -- he told us that he was running down the streets of gold. I'm sure he's doing that now. Rejoicing and having fun :) But I miss him, we all do.

In May, my grandparents would have celebrated their 53rd anniversary and they've lived in the same house for over 40 years. I know God never gives us more than we can handle, but I just don't know how my grandmother will handle losing her other half.

Lot's of people came for the funeral, which was today. Guys that had worked with Pappaw at Southwestern Bell and some who worked for him when he owned the Ember Shop and D&D Tractor. His brothers and sister, my grandmother's family, my cousins and more - family poured in. Once again, there were cousins I had never met before - his brother's kids - and it was yet another impromptu family reunion. I love my family and meeting extended family, but not under these circumstances.

A few memories: Every Christmas each of the grandkids and kids gets a stocking with a lottery scratch-off from Pappaw.. In junior high both him and Grandy came to every game I cheered at.. He was the first to give me a hard time, and always greeted me with a hello and "you datin' anyone yet?"

I miss him..

So there's a belief that everything happens in threes -- the third death this week was my car. The lil sis was driving it from Waco to Dallas when a car dropped a box of pipes, which landed in front of my car... Yeah it's in the shop and not working, but after a hefty bill, it should be fixed and in good condition again.

Now my prayer is that my heart will begin to heal, my grandmother will be ok and smile again, and the family will begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel...

Hope your week is good.

Love God,
Love people.
and take time to tell your family that you love them.

change..

I wish I was skilled at html. I'm not a fan of the page layouts, the few that exist, but I was in need of a change...so here is what we are left with. If I knew more html I would just recreate my entire background - back to the basics with a few personal color touches.

I thought I was in a blogging mood, but I guess that has passed and now Heroes is on. This season is pretty wicked.

By the way, my grandfather is doing better. I mean, anything could happen, but he is out of CICU and in a regular room. He's breathing on his own and has been sitting up most of the day. Just... continue to keep him in your prayers.

You'll hear from me soon.

Love God.
Love people.

Phish Food

It's freezing outside and yet.. It's most definitely an ice cream night.

We left the Falls on Tuesday morning after my grandfather was determined critically stable. We wanted to beat the ice storm so that I could get back to work and Bri could get back to school, but my dad stayed for a few extra days.

My grandfather was taken off the ventilator/breathing machine today and everything was looking up. He was talking and four hours later, they had to put him back on the machine. Without it, they said it would put too much pressure on his heart and he wouldn't make it. He wasn't happy and my grandmother is just torn up. She had stopped crying when I called, but she sounds different. Tuesday morning I found out she was there when he flatlined. She said it was the hardest thing to watch. My dad is doing better but he said he has a bad feeling...

There's nothing more to write for now... He's alive, that I can praise God for, and I can pray for His will above ours. A prayer I'm also sending up for a friend's husband who has lost his job. This economy sucks. I know everyone knows that, but it had to be said yet again.

I'm off to read a newsletter from soldiers in Iraq, then a bit of The Alchemist and finally, sleep :)

Goodnight all. Find peace in this world by surrounding yourself with the ones you love, cherish your time together.

Love God, love people.

Winter storm - hitting hearts and homes

I'm sitting in my grandparents den on the computer they never use.. and the house is silent. My grandmother is making minimal noise in the kitchen as she takes her medicine and worries over the "get well" plants that are, ironically, dying.

Typically, she would be reading a romance or best-seller novel on the couch, half-dozing, while my grandfather sits in his chair watching the late show -- also half-dozing. But tonight, my precious grandfather is in intensive care and we are all playing a waiting game. First it was, the first 24 hours will tell all.. now the doctor is saying the first 48 hours. I hate waiting. I've never been a patient person.

Early this morning he woke up with a stomach pain, caused by only God knows what. By 4am he was short of breath and by 8:30 my grandma was calling the ambulance. He had congestive heart failure and they lost him in the emergency room. They actually asked my grandmother if she wanted them to revive him. 4 minutes passed. He lived again. Not long after he was transferred from ER to ICU...

The call came at lunch. I rushed away from work, packed a huge bag - not thinking, just chunking things in - and began frantically calling my roommate. Without asking questions, she left work and came home because I called her crying saying I needed to get to Ft Worth to meet my sister and I needed her to drive me. I filled her in on the rest as we drove to meet Bri. Upon arriving in the falls, we found the family in icu. No change, no talking.. He's been asleep since we've been here but he's not in pain.

It's hard to see a man that you have always imagined as strong and reliable, suddenly fighting for his life, hooked up to machines. He's been sick off and on for four years, but if he could have hid it from you he would have. And to some extent he did with the strength of his exterior and the jokes extended to excuse his old age. But the reality is setting in - with bursts of tears and "he scared me" from my grandmother, to her telling him he has to keep going, to all of us trying to pretend that all is well.

I really hate this. And I think this town might be toxic..