I realized tonight that there is a hearbreak that I may never get over. Not in this world anyway.

I haven't been to Wichita Falls since March. I keep telling myself that I'll go next month, I'm too busy now or I have to work, or it's too far to drive alone, or I don't have the extra cash for gas..But none of that is true. Here's the truth- I can't bare the thought of going to my grandparents house and my granfather not being there. I love my grandmother, I do.. But I want to see my grandfather sitting on the front porch, or in his chair in the formal living room, or watching tv in the den. I want to wake up to the smells of breakfast and coffee brewing, with him talking to my grandmother and reading the paper. Saying things like "oh Patsy.." I want him to tell me to check my oil before I leave. I want to introduce him to Blake. I want to take him to the French Riviera. I want him to play with my kids one day.

He was the only constant grandfather I had. He loved all of us so much. But my heart breaks when I think of the last day I saw him...He had been sick but was finally home and on the road to recovery. My family was leaving his house, saying our goodbyes and I was rushing my dad out the door. "C'mon let's go, he's fine. No need to worry about wills and such." He just wanted to make sure my grandmother would be taken care of and I wanted to go home. It breaks my heart to think about it. It's not something I will let go of very easily.

So I haven't been back. But I know I need to. I'm missing out on seeing my baby cousin grow up. And I haven't been there for my grandmother, but I dont know how to be. I couldn't even read my sisters blog about him until tonight.. and I cried. I'm still crying. She's right, death does suck.